I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
