Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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