My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
