1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
