OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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