I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
