it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
