I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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