you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
