We're facebook friends in real life
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
