apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
