Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
