The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize