why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
