the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
