Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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