There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
