Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
