I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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