Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
