I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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