i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So many bounce houses so little time
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
