Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
