Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
