She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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