I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Oh god it's open bar.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
