Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
