Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
