Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
