You made me cry and you don't even care
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
