I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
