My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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