I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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