I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
