I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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