you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
