My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
