I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
