you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
where does the pee come out of this thing
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
