I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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