bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
