I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He? As in you personified your dick?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
