i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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