Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Michael Bay diarrhea
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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