I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
