I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
