Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
