just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
