How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
