don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
