those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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