I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
