The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Walk of Shame today included voting.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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