blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
