Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
