I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
