I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
