i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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