Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Text me some of your sweat
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
