i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
