i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
