and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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