btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
