does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
