He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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