So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
