my phone needs a breathalizer
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
