The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
im on a boat
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