I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
