Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
