you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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