I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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