I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize