saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
