Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
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