"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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